Satai Delenn

A Sample of My Writing

2009-09-07T23:01:54Z

I'm not sure I have much to say about this piece. I wrote this somewhere back around April or May and have attempted revising it, and finally just ripped it apart and started over.

I figured I'd try posting it here. If anyone reads it, I hope you like it.

Father of Mine

Fathers are supposed to convey a sense of warmth and security for their children. They are supposed to teach them things and play games with them.

My father taught me things and oh yes, he played games with me, but not the things most fathers would want to teach their children nor play the kinds of games most fathers would want to play with their children. I was taught that fathers cannot be trusted or depended upon. I learned that fathers are out for their own agenda to make themselves look good, and that their daughter’s thoughts and feelings do not matter. I learned slowly, that I was nothing to him.

If he came to see me for dinner, he’d pick me up, but not without an argument most times with my mother. I’d wind up sitting on the couch, watching T.V. until they stopped and my mother called me to go to dinner with “my dad.” We’d usually head to McDonald’s. Not because it was fun for us, but because it was cheap for him. We’d stand in line, and he’d usually complain.

“So much for “fast” food,” he’d often say, eliciting chuckles from others in line.

We’d sit down at a table, and the game of twenty questions would begin.

“How was your week?”

“Fine,” I’d reply around a mouthful of fries, or a chicken nugget.

“Did you do anything exciting?”

“No.”

It would go on like this until he’d give up on me and we’d eat in silence and after dinner, he’d take me home. I’d kiss him goodnight and run inside to watch T.V. and most times he’d leave quietly, but sometimes he and my mother would fight again.

The weekends he picked me up to take me back to his house were oftentimes uneventful. We’d arrive at his house, he’d help me take my suitcase upstairs to “my room”, he’d ask if I was OK, and then he’d do his famous magic trick… he’d disappear. I’d unpack and sometimes I’d watch the black and white set in my room, or I’d go downstairs and watch T.V. in the “family room.” Some family. A father who can’t stand being in the same room as his daughter, and a stepmother who I just couldn’t accept, because she was trying to take my mom’s place.

My only friends while I was at his house were his two yellow Labradors, Maggie and Annabelle, who we all called “Boo Boo,” and the girl across the street named Beth. Most times I hung around the dogs. I wasn’t allowed to walk both at the same time because my father felt that I was too small to be able to handle them. Which was funny since they were two of the most obedient dogs you’d ever see. So mostly I walked Annabelle because Maggie was more my stepmother’s dog and it was harder for me to accept Maggie. She was my stepmother’s “baby.”

There was a park not far from the house, and I went there a lot. Sometimes with one of the dogs, once in a while with Beth, but most often I went on my own. I’d sit on the swings for hours and stare out over the lake. Even on the coldest of winter days I’d go to the park. It was quiet and peaceful, and I could think there. I felt safe there. I never felt safe at my father’s house. Many times while sitting on the swings and looking at the water in the lake, I wondered why I was there.

What was the point? My father never spent any time with me. I could be doing the same things at home, and I wouldn’t feel like I was wasting my time there. Weren’t we supposed to be doing something, my father and I? Why did he spend all his time in the basement? Why wasn’t I good enough that he couldn’t come upstairs and play games with me or take me places or spend time with me?

It seemed as though it was more important to my father to save money than to spend time with me doing things. And he was not a comforting type of man. I remember one Halloween he took me to a Haunted House because I wanted to go. It looked like fun. I forgot how scared and sensitive I could be toward things like that. As we walked through the Haunted House I got more and more scared and started screaming and crying to the point that the people inside took off their masks to show me there was nothing to really be afraid of. What did my father do? He yelled at me and started ranting on and on about how he’d wasted $12.00 taking me to a place I should have known I couldn’t handle if I was just going to act like a baby and not act my age. The people inside the Haunted House had shown more care and compassion toward me than my own father.

The older I got, the more distant my father and I became, and the less frequently I saw him. When I was fourteen, he picked me up for a weekend.

We were halfway to his house when he piped up and said, “Gee Sara, guess what new addition we have to the family.”

“A dog?”

“No.”

“A cat?”

“No.”

Most fathers would stop their child at this point, and explain the situation. Not my father. No, he was content to continue letting me guess on and on and on until finally I guessed it.

“A kid?”

“Yep.”

And then silence from both of us. Nothing comforting from him about how I was still his daughter, and how he still loved me, and I needn’t worry. No. Just silence in the car. Physically, we were only a few inches apart. Psychologically and emotionally we couldn’t have been farther apart from each other.

When we arrived at his house, my stepmother was sitting in the front yard with Annabelle and… him. My new baby brother. Nearly a year old, and I wanted to hate him so much. But how can you hate someone when it’s not really their fault? I looked around, and something wasn’t right.

“Where’s Maggie?” I asked, looking up at my father.

“We put her to sleep. She’s been too unstable in her personality, and we didn’t want to risk her around our son,” my “father” replied.

Maggie was dead? Sweet Maggie? I know I didn’t really accept her because she was my stepmother’s dog, but she didn’t deserve to die, and most certainly not because of the stupid baby! This was the beginning of the end of what little life I had at my father’s house.

We went inside, and I don’t remember if I brought my suitcase upstairs then or later, but I remember the shock and hurt I felt at the fact that when I went to put my suitcase into my room, I found a crib in it, and all kinds of baby things. The room I had stayed in when I was at that house since I was ten years old was no longer mine. Four years may not be much time to adults, but to a child, it can be as good as an eternity.

My new room was the tiny unconverted sewing room next door. Barely enough room for a bed, let alone me. I looked around in desolation. Bare walls, a small, twin bed, and to make everything worse, there was no window to look out of. I sat on that tiny bed, in that tiny, ugly room for a long time, staring at the closed door. I came to the realization then, that I did indeed hate my new little brother. I’d barely had a father before he came along, and he’d just ensured that I’d lost forever what little shred of the man I did have.

My father was never the sort of man to handle anything well outside of the realm of business, and his managing of me was no different. Instead of trying to make me feel a part of things, he continued to treat me as though I was an outsider, just a guest. He doted on his new son, and his wife. I sat quietly, sullen, watching him. I stopped staying overnight there after that weekend, but for the next seven or so years I still saw my father occasionally for dinner.

Unfortunately, nothing changed. We were still distant from each other, he still played 20 questions with me, and I still had no idea how to relate to him. One night after he and I had dinner together, I was around twenty-one years old now; we were getting ready to leave the restaurant and I took one final chance to reach out to him.

“You know, my graduation is next month,” I began.

“Mmhmm,” he replied.

“Well, I was wondering; I mean, well, I thought maybe you could come. You know, see me graduate,” I said.

My heart beat hard, and I knew the look on my face was too hopeful, too pathetic, and I could feel his rejection begin before he even said anything. Desperately, I tried again.

“If it’s Connie, she can come too! I know I can get another ticket.” Then I said more quietly, “Kyle could even come.”

I wasn’t happy with the idea, but if it meant my father would finally accept, then I’d deal with it. In the end though…

“Well,” he began. “I don’t know. I’m not sure it would be a good idea.”

‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ I thought. ‘It would mean you really cared.’

And then my father said the most absurd thing I have ever heard from him in my young life.

“You know Sara,” he said, with great confidence. “I’m really proud of myself. I’ve always been there for you.”

And without another word, he turned and strode out the door of the restaurant, leaving me standing in the lobby, flabbergasted.

‘He’d always been there for me?’ I thought. ‘When? When had he been there for me?’

Was it when I fell and scraped my knee and started crying and he’d yelled at me to stop and be a “big girl?” Was it when he’d bring me to his house and leave me on my own while he hid like a coward in the basement? Was it the year that he was supposed to take me for the weekend for Father’s Day and got mad at my mother because she requested – quite reasonably – that he have me home early Sunday afternoon because we were going to Bryn Mawr Country Club for dinner with my grandparents, so he yelled at my mother and decided that if he couldn’t bring me home when he felt like it, he just wouldn’t take me for the weekend at all? Or perhaps it was when he’d tell me all about how well his precious son was doing, but could never be bothered to tell me he was proud of me for something; anything. Oh, wait. I know what it was he was there for me for. He paid my child support checks, all the while complaining to me about it and telling me that my mother used those checks to buy her fur coats.

You were there for me father? Yeah, right. OK, you keep going on believing that. Yet I’m the one in therapy...

Life After NanoWrimo

2008-12-12T12:56:22Z

OK, so I participated in (and failed) NanoWrimo. What is NanoWrimo, you ask? Well, it's short for National Writers Month, and it takes place each November. This was my first year participating, and the goal was to reach 50,000 words... I managed a measely 8,979 words.

Regardless, I am continuing to plug along and work on my story. It is another fanfiction, but it is, I believe, my darkest story yet. It is a crossover between Hellraiser's Pinhead (and Angelique) and Harry Potter's Severus Snape.

This story was inspired by a drawing that Marquise did.

If you are interested in checking out excerpts from time to time on this story, please click: http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and go to "Authors" and enter Satai Delenn. You can then check out my profile there and find an excerpt from my story.

Feel free to comment here on the excerpt(s). I welcome any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

Incidentally, I finally told my mother about my desire to write and I was deeply and pleasantly surprised when she supported me in my endeavor. I really didn't think she'd be supportive about it.

Thank you Mom!

Calling All Marquise Fans!

2008-09-29T00:15:47Z

OK, I am officially sending out a major call to all fans of Marquise's artwork! She apparently has lost EVERYTHING due to a couple of major computer crashes! I had someone contact me at YouTube asking me if I have any of Marquise's artwork saved to my computer (and of course I do!), and could I please send it to her, as she is on a massive hunt to track down as much of Marquise's artwork for her as she can, and has been having very little success thus far.

So, I would like to lend a big hand if I can!

If you are a fan of Marquise's work, and over the years have managed to save her artwork to your computers, please contact me by replying here, so that I can then contact you and make arrangements for you to either email me what you have of her artwork, or email the person that contacted me so that we can return Marquise's hard work back to her!

She has been so kind over the years to let us save her work to our computers, and use her artwork to create compilations of our own, so please, let's return her kindness with more kindness and help her out in her time of need!

Thank you, and please spread the word!

Delenn

Wow

2008-09-09T03:36:56Z

Well, I've had a lot of things happen recently.

My grandmother died on the 15th of August, and since then, I've been coming out of my shell a bit more, and doing things I wouldn't normally do.

I am going on a cruise soon to Australia and the Pacific Islands; I'm going on a trip to Florida with a friend of mine very soon; and this weekend I'm going to a major wine tasting (seven hours long, and 250 wines).

The wine tasting came about when I renewed my ticket to the Chicago Sky. They had a wine tasting for twenty-five of the members. Well, the wine-tasting didn't go so well, and I went home and sent a rather angry (but still fairly well-written) letter (meaning, I didn't swear), and the very next day I was put in contact with the regional manager of this area, and he was very kind, and took care of the problem, and today he invited me to a major wine tasting to occur this weekend. I am so looking forward to it.

And to think, I probably wouldn't have been interested in any of this, had it not been for the movie Bottle Shock.

Now if I could just stop freaking out about my cruise. I'm so nervous! I haven't been out of the country in about twelve years. I am going to have to go downtown to get my passport (it has to be expedited because I also need a visa), and I also need to shop for nice shorts/capris/skorts (or whatever they're called now). I just hope I can find something. It's the end of the season, and fashion is already moving in the fall/winter fashion, and clearing out the summer.

Nothing like waiting till the last minute, lol.

I'm in K'vetch mode!!!!!

2008-05-17T09:29:50Z

I'm frustrated. Supposedly I'm an adult, but you'd never know it from the way I get treated by my parents. Nag, nag, nagnagnagnagnagnagnag........

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! When will they learn that the way I live my life is not going to live up to their hopes and expectations?! And furthermore, when are they going to accept it and LEAVE. ME. ALONE?!?!?!??!?!!??! I don't want to live the way they think I should. I want to live MY life MY way!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, how am I supposed to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person, if I'm not allowed to make mistakes in the first place?!

If they'd just stop badgering me and judging me all the fucking time, maybe I could actually BE happy!!!!!!!!!!!!

The way things stand now, I never tell them anything, because it winds up not being what they wanted me to do, and therefore I never get an, "Oh, that's great! Good for you!" No, instead I get a bland, "Oh...well..."

I'm so sick of it. NOTHING I EVER do is EVER good enough for them. I'm always wrong, even if I'm right, because it's me, and what do I know, I'm stupid.

Capturing DVD Still Pictures

2007-11-24T07:13:00Z

Yay! Woohoo! I'm not a total moron! lol.

I finally figured out how to capture pictures from DVDs on my computer. I now have 193 pictures taken from the Snow Cake DVD, and thanks to that, I was able to create a lovely little banner:

You know, everyime LJ "upgrades" something, all it does, is F*** up everything I try to do!

Hey LJ, not everyone is code saavy, and it would really be nice if you could just, for once, keep things SIMPLE!!!! So that it doesn't take me three days to re-figure out, how to post a frigging thumbnail image!!!!!

D.B.C.A.

2007-06-26T06:15:24Z

Hey there!

I'm a member of a really great site called the D.B.C.A. Their main love is Phantom Of The Opera, but they also have other great, angsty characters that you can talk about there (Severus Snape, Captain Jack Sparrow, Marcus Cole, Dracula, etc.)

So if you want a fun place to go and hang out and make new online friends, check out the D.B.C.A. today!

Don't forget, if you sign up there, please make sure to make a post in the "Membership Challenge" thread and mention where you found the site!

Short Story I Wrote...

2007-06-05T08:00:40Z

Well, I wrote a short story for a challenge on a website I moderate at. I then decided to post it over at PP. I am extremely pleased to report that not only has it been read over 800 times, but on it's third posted day, it was moved from the Recently Updated section, to the Featured Fics section!!! I not only got to post a story at a site I have been dying to post at for the past two years, but my very first story there got featured!

I am ecstatic! I am shocked! I am eternally grateful to everyone at PP that decided to feature my story!

Thank you!!!!

If you wish to read my story, it is entitled, "Hermione Goes Shopping" and is under my username, SataiDelenn.

snape_girl @ 2007-03-04T01:42:00

2007-03-04T07:43:29Z

Well, this is my latest. I created it to go with a story I'm writing. Hopefully I can finish the story and get it posted. I'm also hoping that this picture inspires me to actually complete a story, lol.

I hope you all like it.

Oh Happy Day!!!!

2007-02-08T04:47:09Z

I'm so thrilled to be able to say that Marquise is back!

I was so sad when I discovered her gone from the LJ world but I am ecstatic that she is now back.

And on top of it all she is drawing my beloved Severus again!

YAY!

Oh Marquise, if you read this I hope this lets you know that you were sorely missed and that all your fans are very happy that you've decided to return.

I for one hope you choose to remain here for a very long time!

A Sad, Sad, Day

2007-01-28T05:19:23Z

I am so sad. I just went to visit one of my favorite fan authors sites here and they are both gone. Most of you know her as LeDevineMarquis (a.k.a. Marquise) and more recently as penthesilea_ii. Oh Marquise! I don't know why you've left the LJ Community but I am deeply saddened that we have lost you. You are one of the most talented artists I've ever seen and I am just grateful that I was lucky enough to have viewed as many of your works as I have and even more grateful that I managed to save most of them to my computer.

I hope that one day you will choose to come back to LJ and post your artistry again. I hope you don't mind but I am going to post a few of your works here from time to time so that people can still have the wonderful opportunity to see the BEAUTIFUL jobs you have done and appreciate them as much as I have. And now that I have finally learned more about Photoshop I plan to make a few collages in tribute.

You should know that everyone that has seen the YouTube video that I made with some of your artwork has gotten rave reviews and everyone has loved the Snape artwork you have created. I hope that counts for something. I know that you got sick of Snape and the HP world toward the end but you drew him so perfectly!

Well, regardless, I hope that one day you find what you are looking for with regards to your artwork and your life and I do hope you know just how much you meant to ALL of your fans and how much you will be missed!

I feel as though there will now be a gaping hole in this community with your absence from it.

Take care and be happy and be well!

Your devoted fan,

Delenn

My Portfolio

2006-12-19T03:38:28Z

Ok. So, I've been creating different images in Photoshop and I'm rather proud of them. So I decided to put them all into a kind of online portfolio at Photobucket.

I will from time to time post my creations here so please check back there often because I plan to update whenever I make new things.

I'm very excited because I recently discovered how to do animation in Photoshop. YAY!

Also, feel free to save them to your computer but if you choose to use them as avatars or signatures or implement them as skins on your website or background at LJ, please make sure that you state where you got them from. I spent a lot of time and effort to create these.

For example, in my new avatar which I will upload to my portfolio shortly I borrowed the drawings for that avatar from a very talented artist named artyhelen. The drawings are hers. I only borrowed them to manipulate in order to create my avatar.

My Latest Wallpaper

2006-09-26T02:49:21Z

Well, this one vexed me so! lol. I worked on the background for 2 days and had to scrap it when I realized I'd messed up the fill layer! ARGH! I had already placed all the leaves onto the border and had to go back and spend another two days working on a new one and placing new leaves around the border. But this time I got it right and this is the result:

I don't know about you but I think it's beautiful. But then, so is Alan! lol.

Letter From Melanie And Signed Photo From Alan...

2006-09-23T07:25:50Z

Well, about 4 months ago I wrote to Alan Rickman. I never got a reply and others I know did. I started getting really down about it. Then today I came home from work, went to the mailbox and pulled out my mail (mostly bills and junk) and pulled out this letter that looked like a greeting card. There was no return address and all these English stamps on the letter. After a couple of minutes of staring at it and thinking it suddenly sunk in and I started screaming. I am so excited by this! It was a letter from Melanie, his assistant and a beautiful signed photo from Teh Man himself!!!!!

If you want to view it just come to TARLF (my website).

Lucius & Hermione Request

2006-09-22T06:20:17Z

Ok. Here's my latest Wallpaper. This one was a request by someone who wanted a Lucius/Hermione Wallpaper.

And yes, my mood is correct. I've been extremely cranky this week. Hopefully it will pass in another couple of days.

Wallpapers

2006-09-18T00:16:36Z

Well, I have been learning Photoshop CS2 and I FINALLY managed to create a few wallpapers. The first one isn't so good because I had only just figured out how to add more than one photo but the second and third ones are much better I think.

Well here they are:

This is the first one:

This is the second one:

And this is the third one:

Well, Thank you very much to Fireflights for teaching me how to do thumbnails!

My Latest Video...

2006-08-26T11:18:45Z

Well, I've just completed my latest video and it's called Closet Sunday. It takes clips from Closet land and sets them to the music "Gloomy Sunday". It's eerie, dark, disturbing and hopefully powerful. I think people will either love it or hate it. I do not see any grey areas with this video. If you would like to view it you are more than welcome to. Just go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PL8GeSfHX_I

If you are curious about the song itself you can just Google "Gloomy Sunday" and then click on the second link. This will bring up some interesting but creepy info on the song. The story behind the song is fascinating. Disturbing, but fascinating.

Learning about LJ

2006-07-25T05:17:10Z

Well, I am playing around with the options available and discovered I can put a picture in my background so I decided to choose a Luscious Lucius picture. Next to Alan Rickman I just adore Jason Isaacs and I love him in his evil roles. He's excellent as Lucius Malfoy. I am also enjoying watching him perform in the new series Brotherhood on Showtime. HBO's Sopranos move over! There's a new gang in town in Providence, Rhode Island and they're called the Caffees!

Anyway, I'm enjoying playing around with this LJ even if no one will probably ever come here besides me.

My Newest Hobby

2006-07-13T08:18:55Z

Well, I've found the joy of making videos with pics from my computer and setting them to music. It's fun and people seem to like them. I have 5 videos now. 2 are general fan videos and 3 are on the borderline adult side.

You can view them at Youtube and just look under my screen name there. It's SataiDelenn.

I'm rather proud of them so I hope that I get lots of positive feedback.

That's one of the pics I put into a couple of the vids.

snape_girl @ 2006-07-08T23:47:00

2006-07-09T04:48:30Z

I made an Alan video. I had a lot of fun doing it. It only took me about 2 hours to do. I thought I would post the link and maybe a wandering soul passing through here would see it and perhaps someday comment on it, lol. Anyway, here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIxxx_HDbtg

I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed making it.

I am now itching to make another one!

I Wrote a Letter

2006-06-03T03:35:23Z

Well, I got up the nerve to write a letter to Mr. Rickman. It's four pages long and I'm nervous about sending it out to him. I know he's so very busy but I have been putting off writing to him forever. So I finally got up the courage and wrote a letter. I hope that he has a little time to write me back. We'll see.

Is This Turned On?

2006-05-29T04:34:38Z

Hello,

I'm rather new to this. What am I supposed to be doing with this thing? Am I supposed to put my interests? My talents? My personal measurements? (Perhaps it would be best if I DIDN'T put my measurements...)

Well let's see. I'm a HUGE Alan Rickman fan, I just graduated from college, I am hoping for a career in the Justice Studies Field (formerly Criminal Justice), I despise Panopticism (I spoke at the 13th Annual Symposium at my University on the subject and it's dangers).

I'm seeking that special someone. You know the type, tall, dark, handsome. Just kidding. I just thought I'd try to add some humor (insert humor here).

Ok. I think that's it for now.

Edit: I am also a very big fan of Ledivinemarquis. I think she is the most talented artist! I just ADORE her Snape renditions! Hi Marquise!